Dear Madison and Drew,
We are in the heart of Winter. It’s the time of year when we must figure out how to turn a bad into a good. That’s how I say it. There are snow days, ice storms and freezing cold temps. The holidays, amazing as they were, are long gone and we are looking at months ahead before we see the light of day that will lead us to spring. Daddy is working 12-14 hour days, six days a week and momma is tired. We keep passing the same darn cold around the house and if it’s not the clogged noses that are making you wake four times a night it’s the nightmares that you both have. Momma is tired of momming. I’m apologizing now for the short patience and lack of get up and go these last few weeks.
I haven’t written in awhile. For a lot of reasons. One being that I haven’t felt very positive and “mommish” lately. Two being that I’ve lost my confidence as a writer having nothing “great” to really write about. Lastly, it’s hard for me to share our harder moments because someday you’ll be reading this and you won’t understand it at sixteen, you may not understand it at all if you choose to not have children of your own, and you won’t understand it completely until you become a parent yourself. However, I have to share these times because they are your times, good or bad. Teaching you how to be honest and confident with your feelings is part of my job.
Speaking of my job, it’s something I’ve wrestled with since I decided to not go back to work after you were born Madison. I’ve contemplated going back every day because of the challenges that being a stay at home mom has brought my way and every time the overwhelming feelings wash upon me my response always leaves me with tears in my eyes and this thought in my head, “I am meant to be exactly where I’m meant to be right now. This is my job, this is where god wanted me to be, he blessed me with two beautiful children, no matter how tough it gets this is where I am meant to be.” Then just like that in the snap of a finger you get your patient momma back. Sometimes.
The days may leave us both tired beyond our means, cranky and moody with one another, and maybe even a bit distant but if it’s one thing I want you both to know is how to make a good thing come from a hard thing. Concentrate on the power of the positive in a weak moment. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in life. Make something positive and good come from something hard and hurtful. I’m going to take these rough last few months and make them shine. So lets start with you Madison.
Your ambition and thirst for knowledge is just contagious! You ask me questions that I don’t have the answers to and it makes me want to go out and find those answers. I can always tell when you are aware of my bad days or moody times because you constantly come up to me and say “I love you momma!” and you kiss my cheek or wrap your little arms around my waist. It makes me smile inside knowing that you care for my happiness as much as I care for yours. When you read to me at night, it makes my soul warm knowing that my once baby girl is growing and learning in leaps and bounds. That the baby I used to rock at night and sing you are my sunshine to is growing up to be an amazing little girl.
Drew, your perseverance to make anything and everything happen used to be so frustrating. Together you and I have learned that the once so stubborn child is becoming a confident and strong little boy. I’ve realized that you do not give up on things and it’s one of the best qualities you can possibly have gained from your father. You are slowly teaching your own 39 year old mother how to have just a little more confidence within herself. Your big beautiful brown eyes stare up at me as I’m trying to fix a toy and I hear the words “You got it momma, see I knew you could do it!” that right there is enough to make my day sweet boy. Even though it drives me nuts to have you in the kitchen cooking or baking with me, I know how much you enjoy it and how much it’s teaching you and that you truly love it so we started our own cooking time to have each week. Why wouldn’t I want to share being in the kitchen with you? Someday you’ll be cooking for me!
So I’m pretty sure we are all ready to kick winters butt and though we have many more months of it to endure we are making the best of it and I want you to always remember to pull out the positive when your having an off day. Don’t go to bed with regret like I used to, don’t count the things you did wrong and beat yourself up over the obstacles. Instead go to bed thinking of all the good that came from the day, leave behind the mistakes and concentrate on the good you’ve done. Believe that god has you right where your supposed to be and make the next day a new day.