How Do You Sleep At Night!!!!!!?

So much for taking days off from blogging huh……..What can I say, I enjoy writing, blogging, complaining, bitching, whatever you’d like to call it. I’ve had some things on my mind recently and I hold back about blogging about these certain things out of respect for some people, I’m not so sure I have respect for some of these people anymore so I’m going to have a little diarrhea of the mouth for a bit if you don’t mind. I’ll start by asking you this one question. How do you sleep at night? There are so many instances in my life where I want to ask people, “How do you sleep at night??” I sleep at night just fine. I sleep at night because I’m a good person, I never go to bed angry with my husband, or the people I love. I was taught to be respectful of people even when they aren’t respectful of me.

I’ve had some sad days this week, my uncle passed away Monday. No not a second uncle, not an uncle of an uncle, my actual uncle. My dad’s youngest brother. Out of the four boys my grandmother had there is one left. It’s so sad. My grandmother lost two sons before she even left this world. A mother is not supposed to loose a child, it’s just a pain that is NOT supposed to exist. I know it happens, it happens all the time, it’s just horrible. Loosing her a year and a half ago was tough, then shit hit the fan with my whole family all over money. I just can’t believe people can be the way they can be and still sleep at night. How can they sleep at night???

My husband and I have family that choose to not be a part of our lives. Like we are horrible people. Like we are murderers. Like we are mean nasty people that would curse you if you chose to have a relationship with us? Seriously??? I sit here everyday and wonder what I ever did wrong to these people to make them hate me and my husband so much to actually choose to not be in our lives. I’ve hurt people don’t get me wrong, but when I was younger, when I was immature and in my twenties when I didn’t know any better, I grew up, why can’t others grow up? I’m a good person, I care for people, I have a heart the size of the United States, what did I ever do to deserve being treated this way? I have a father who would give anything to be a part of our lives and can’t be but there are actually people out there that choose not to be?? How can they sleep at night????

That brings to me other people in our lives. I’ve never gone public about this but it’s about time because this is my website, it’s my way of feeling better about things, and I’m not going to hold it in any longer. When my daughter was first born, someone tried to tell my husband that my daughter wasn’t his. Now before you fall out of your seat because it’s the most insane thing you could ever imagine let me explain more. This isn’t just a distant friend of a friend, this is someone we were close to, someone who has shared our lives.  Why you ask did this person do this to my new little family? I don’t really know, but here are the facts that I do know. When I lost my dad 12 years ago I was in a relationship that I thought would be my future, he was my best friend, my everything. Well I changed. Loosing my father changed me forever. I never dealt with that change until 5 years later when I met my husband, I truly believe to this day that I was meant to meet him, meant to be with him because together him and I dealt with a lot of feelings that were never addressed before. Anyways, a year into dating my husband my past came back and I was left with wondering who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I confided in someone. Someone who I thought was my friend. When I broke up with my husband to think about what I wanted and who I would spend the rest of my life with (Come on that was a major decision) well this someone went and told him everything. Well needless to say I decided that Andy was who I was meant to share my life with. Saying good-bye to my past was not easy but my husband showed his true self that year. He was patient and kind and was there for me every step of the way. You see, my past new my father, new my family and everything my father truly was to me. Andy, never met my father, choosing to be with someone that didn’t know what kind of an amazing person my father was, was just difficult. So for me, my past will always have a special place in my heart because he knew my dad, was there when he was dying, and was there for me after the fact.

So with that little blurb let me fast forward again. My husband and I talked about everything, it’s when we really became Tammi & Andy, we were stronger than ever. We dated for another year, we got engaged and planned our wedding for another year. I never addressed this person telling my future husband the things I confided them about. I just thought the past was the past, let’s move on, I never treated this person differently, though I should have, I didn’t because it’s not who I am. I’m a forgiver. I have a heart. Now our wedding takes place. Nine long months go by as my husband and I waited so very patiently for our family to grow. FINALLY, we get news that our family would finally be just that. A family. We couldn’t be happier. Showers were planned, gifts were given, my daughter was born healthy and happy.

Just around the time I started to realize that I may have a little Postpartum depression I realize that some tension started to build within our family. I started a blog back when my daughter was first born and I vented a lot about being a first time mom, how hard it was, how the sleepless nights were wearing on me. Well when I found out some people weren’t happy about what I was writing I took them off of my FB page because, well, if you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t read it right?? Well people read this blog through FB so I simply took them off. The next day I received a phone message from this person saying, well……..let’s just say A LOT. Things I can’t even begin to repeat. The one main thing I will mention, is that she said my daughter was not my husbands child. Honestly……I felt a heartache I have never felt in my entire life. My world came crashing down around me, I honestly can tell you I hurt more that day than I did the day my father died. As a new mother I felt my first heartache for my daughter that day. A heartache that shouldn’t have been felt so early on in motherhood. The reason why I told you the history behind this story is so you can see that this person had brought my past from 5 years prior into my relationship with my husband now because of what??? Facebook??? Seriously???? Like I hadn’t discussed these things with my husband before I married him?? How do they sleep at Night??

What this person must not have realized is 5 years prior to the things I told her in confidence I also told my husband when we decided to work things out and spend the rest of our lives together. That’s what couples do don’t they?? Don’t you tell your significant other everything?? Well from the day we decided to get married until today I tell my husband everything. So to look back on this day (2 years ago mind you) I think was this seriously all over Facebook? Was it Jealousy? I still to this day often wonder what it was because here we are , with these people no longer in our lives and I still don’t have an answer. They were family! I can say it’s not easy. Not knowing what I ever did to someone breaks me everyday. I’ve even heard through others that this person admitted that they only said it to hurt me because I hurt them. Really??? Well that’s quite the exchange, Facebook over telling your husband his child isn’t his?? That’s quite the equalness. I’m such a good person all it would have taken was a simple apology a few weeks later when everyone calmed down. This caused such a ripple between my husband and I, my daughter was three months old and instead of enjoying her my heart was bleeding for weeks. I cried for days. It caused family drama in every which direction if you can imagine. It still does to this day. With everyday that passes I get more upset by this, I don’t know why, it’s made my husband and I even stronger, closer in a way. If anything I should thank them because I truly feel blessed for the family I do have and for the strength I’ve gained along these past two years.  I’ve accepted all of this, by realizing that we can’t change people, that I have my family and I’m happy, I couldn’t be happier. I can sleep at night. How do they sleep at night?? How would you sleep at night??

 

 

 

 

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