Do you remember crying a lot in your younger years? When the boy didn’t like you back in high school, when you didn’t make the cheerleading team, when the girls at school made fun of what you were wearing, or when that said boy who didn’t like you before, ended up liking you, then broke your heart? Well I wasn’t all that “popular” in high school. Sure I had my group of friends, I had a steady boyfriend for years, but I was never good at sports or fitting in either. So I cried. A lot. I sit here and think of the things I’ve cried about and I chuckle. You say one of those “If I only knew then what I know now” kind of sentences. Then in my twenties I lost someone I loved more than life itself and a year later my dad. I think I must have cried through most of my twenties. When I woke each morning and it hurt to breath kind of cry. Who looses their father at 22? I had so many reasons to cry.
Then I met my husband. My world opened up to a new kind of happiness I had never felt before. I couldn’t believe it was finally my time to be happy. He had my wedding ring designed for me and proposed to me in the middle of a vineyard, I cried some more. Only this time I cried tears of happiness. My life was finally starting and I was getting everything I had ever imagined. The wedding of my dreams (that I’m still paying for….sniff sniff). The honeymoon in paradise that I’ll never forget. I had a beautiful little condo where we started our family. My husband and I rarely fought. There wasn’t much to fight over. We both had great jobs, and all the time in the world for each other. Life was good. Then we had kids.
Lets face it folks, becoming a parent is truly the best blessing anyone can ever endure. That love you instantly feel the second you find out your expecting. Then the day the doctor puts that very child in your arms for the very first time and you can hardly believe that you could love even more! However it’s hard. It’s so freaking hard. The ups, the downs, the way my husband and I disagree in ways we never did before. The sleepless nights from teething and sickness after sickness from November-May. The way your heart aches the first time you see your child upset by another child. Yeah sometimes I just need a good cry. A get it out of your system, life sucks so bad right now but I’m so freaken happy in the same breath kind of cry. Is that even possible? Can I really be so miserable and tired all the time but seriously wouldn’t want it any other way? Is this what raising a family is all about? Loving life one second and despising it the next?
The other day I was vacuuming with the country music blaring in my ears. It must have just been the right song because it was one of those times. I just needed a good cry. My husband was home sick the day before, both kids have been in rear form from being cooped up all day, I had to work and get dinner on the table and by the end of the night I was beat. I really wanted my husband to get rest while he was home because I truly believe when him and I get sick it lasts twice as long as it should because we don’t get the rest we need to recoop. So for whatever reason, I just had myself a good cry right then and there while vacuuming. I found myself thinking of the last time I truly cried like that? I couldn’t remember. Then it dawned on me, I don’t have time to cry! Motherhood has made me such a tough cookie that sometimes I forget to be sweet. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and though I’d lay down and die for anyone I love and take the shirt off my back for anyone who may need it, you’d probably never know it. It just made me realize maybe I need to cry more often!
Loosing my Dad made me loose a lot of the person I was becoming. Kind of like a road block, or a fork in the road and I took the wrong path. I blocked out the hurt feelings and went on with life. I lost the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with because of it. I simply didn’t feel for so long. I’ve slowly picked up the pieces and meeting my husband made me get back on that path again. He grounds me, I call him my comfy blanket. Now I’m super sensitive and don’t know what to do with all these feelings! So I just need a good cry every now and again.
I truly believe motherhood is something to cry about sometimes. In the sadness of seeing your babies hurt and not being able to help them. I remember when Madison was 2 her elbow popped out of it’s joint on numerous occasions, she ended up with Nurse’s Elbow, but the first time we went to urgent care her little wing needed an x-ray. I balled my eyes out as she cried. A few weeks ago my baby boy had his adenoids out and when he woke up from the anesthesia he was disoriented and cried for hours. I cried right along with him (OK now I remember the last time I cried!) Then there are the happy tears of motherhood. When your daughter comes home with papers of letters she has learned to write. Yes that made me well up. When my sweet son comes over to me and puts his head on my lap and just snuggles me. Yep that made me well up too. These little lives I’ve given can test me so badly one minute, and just make me melt into a puddle of mush the next.
Do you ever just need a good cry sometimes?
