Dear Madison – Learning Big Girl Feelings

Dear Madison,

I can’t believe how big you’re getting. You are so busy learning how to be a big kid. In the past few months you’ve been faced with so many  new things. Big girls feelings takes the top though. Your forming your own little personality and I couldn’t be happier seeing you become you. I want what any Mommy would want. To see her little girl grow to be a beautiful young lady inside and out, a person who is strong and confident in the world, and just plain happy! Gosh you look like a little girl in this picture

dave23

Keep in mind Mommy is learning along the way too. I’m learning to watch you from afar and see your imagination evolve. I’m 1 158learning to let you feel what YOU are feeling and allowing you to be YOU. It is all about you after all. You are at the age where you pretend play on a daily basis. I love cooking in the kitchen hearing you play with your ponies about being dropped off at school and Daddy picking them up. I hear you play fireman running around shooting/splashing “water” around the house. I love knowing that you are pretending, learning and just being you. You are eating us out of house and home these days, you could live on fruit and your FINALLY trying new things that we cook. You love doing puzzles these days, your coloring and staying in lines is incredible. Your learning your letters and I’m always amazed at the artwork you bring home from school.

We opened the camp and you are LOVING it. You love the campfires with Uncle Mick and those darn cheese balls you have to have! You ask for the bouncy house and swings every second of the day. You are being a terrific big sister and sharing your bunkhouse with Drew, you are showing him how to go to bed like a big kid and you guide him around like the best big sister that you are. Don’t worry we will keep working on that sharing thing you’re not so good at ;) Summer has finally shown its bright side and blessed us with some gorgeous days so far as we swing into June. We’ve had play dates with Jack, Jude, Layla and our new friend Joshua. You love the beep beep and gator that Daddy has given you this year, you ride them all around the yard like the big girl that you are. Here you are after a play date with your best friend Jack…..

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So with a heavy heart as I sit here writing to you with tears streaming down my face. I realize that I can’t always talk about the good times. I have to tell you about the heartaches and obstacles you and I are learning along the way. Lately you’re not enjoying going to school. I’m not sure you ever really LOVED it, I sent you two days a week when you were 18 months because you were so attached to me and wouldn’t go to anyone else, I wanted you to learn to play and trust in others. You may have been sad but once I dropped you off you always had a good time. Now each morning you wake up, the first thing you ask is “Is it a school day?” Today was the first day you cried when I told you it was a school day. Mommy hurts so much when I see you hurting, it’s a feeling I can’t quite explain and you probably won’t understand yourself until you are a Mommy. I try to make it fun by talking about your friends at school, activities your working on because I have a calendar that shows what your class does each week. I get excited talking about playing outside because it’s a beautiful day! However nothing is working these days. Here you are being a good big sister on a day you get to stay home with Mommy! We call them, Stay home with mommy days!

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You idolize your Daddy, you always have. I think it’s wonderful because your Daddy is such a good person, a strong individual and loves you more than life itself. Here you are with Daddy and your favorite Thomas the Train T-Shirt.

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However your starting to see that boys are boys and girls are girls and that there is a difference between them. You’d rather wear shorts, sweat pants, t-shirts and hats. I even took you shopping and let you choose your own summer cloths this year. After a few pushes towards the girls department I realized you were so happier with the boys t-shirts so I went with it. Seeing you happy is what matters and for the first time I looked around the store and realized how bad it is that there is such a difference between boys cloths and girls cloths. I’ve never known it any other way. Mommy loved being girly. I loved dresses, I loved pink and anything sparkly and grown up. Now that I have a daughter who doesn’t like those things I’m learning so much more about letting my child be who they want to be. Here you are with your new shorts on :)

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When I picked you up from school last week you told me that the older kids were telling you that your t-shirt was a boys shirt and you couldn’t wear it because you are a girl my heart literally sank. A feeling I’ve never felt before. Someone hurt my babies feelings. Someone else told you that it was wrong to wear a boys t-shirt and with every fiber in my body I wanted to pick you up and tell you that everything was going to be OK. Instead I put you in the car and I carefully thought about what I should say. I walked to the other side of the car fighting back my tears and I leaned back and said “The next time someone tells you can’t wear a T-shirt because it’s a boys shirt you tell them that as long as you like it and that your happy in it, that’s all that matters.” I looked at Daddy and we continued to talk about TT’s birthday dinner we were about to go to.

I know that story had something to do with why you cried this morning when it was time to go to school. I held back my tears and dropped you off. I thought the whole way home about how this is just the beginning of things. I couldn’t believe I was already hurting for you at the age of almost 4 because of things other people say. I want you to be strong and confident, I want you to learn to stick up for yourself and be you because Mommy never did. It took me 32 years to learn to stick up for myself and be stronger.  I let kids push me around all through high school. I was never confident enough to stick up for myself and believe in who I was becoming. Still at the age of 35 Mommy struggles with confidence and I don’t want you to battle that too. However you will learn in your own way, and I will be right here to hold your hand through it all. Right now the most important thing is to show you that you can always talk to me. That no matter what you tell me, good or bad, we will work on it together and Mommy will do her best to guide you along the way.

Your smile lights up the room, your giggles and laughs are contagious, your imagination brightens my dark days, and your personality shines on me to make me see that I’m doing something right my sweet girl. This is one of the most beautiful pictures of you sweet girl.

dave14

3 comments

  1. Lizzie Lau says:

    I cried all the way through this. My four year old has just started preschool and I can’t stand the idea of not being there to protect her. Some mornings she doesn’t want to go, there is no fuss or crying, but I hate to push her to go when she tells me she wants to stay with me. It’s so hard. I have the added worry that she will feel rejected somehow, compounding the fact that her father left us and moved across the country when she was just one.

    Lovely post. Thanks for sharing.

    • mommasmeals says:

      Hi Lizzie,
      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Sometimes it just helps each other know we aren’t alone in our feelings. It’s just yet ANOTHER stage of motherhood I was NOT looking forward to, I know I can’t keep her safe forever but I thought almost 4 was sort of young, hey kids are mean sometimes LOL! I wish there was a morning she wanted to go, it seems to be getting worse and worse and it’s heartbreaking for me to send her. I’m still crying over this and it was Friday :) Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone! Hugs to you and your little one!

  2. Liz says:

    What a lovely letter to your daughter! My youngest hated to go to school…I SO remember those days. But now he’s a well adjusted college student…and the first of my 3 to stay away for summer school. Go figure!

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