I sat outside on the porch steps wondering what I was doing here. I’m not meant to be a Mom. I don’t deserve to be a called Momma. The one thing I’ve wanted my whole entire life, was just not what I thought it was going to be. The more I thought about this statement the more I realized that I never took the time to truly think about what being a mother was going to be like. I did it because I believed in a loving marriage and when I found just that….it came to me. When I met my husband the first thing I thought was not “I want to have children with this man.” It was, “OMG I could love this man forever.” Then as the years went on I realized that this man would make an incredible father. Not once did I ever doubt myself as a mother. Not once did I think that maybe I don’t want to be a mother, Not once did I ever question anything about motherhood what so ever. So now here I am smack dab in the middle of it with an almost three year old with a strong personality and an almost eight week old that is extremely high maintenance. It takes different kinds of people to make the world go round is my favorite saying.
Why I didn’t have doubts is beyond me, I feel as if I should have, everything about life is scary. All my life I’ve been able to have at least enough confidence to say “I got this”. I said the same thing about motherhood until it happened. Now I sit here and I think “I don’t got this!” When a loved one said to me a few weeks ago that she hasn’t had children yet because she wanted to be the very best mother she could possibly be and she was scared that she couldn’t be, my only response to it was. “You will be.” I told her that she already had more on me admitting that she was scared, admitting that she doubted she could do it, admitting that she wanted to be ready to give it her very best. I never had those thoughts. Until now. Is it normal to not have them until your already in the thrones of tantrums and up to you knees in dirty diapers? Who knows, but it’s the order in which I decided to do it in! It takes different kinds of people to make the world go round.
Why don’t people talk about motherhood more? Why don’t woman exchange funny stories about their babies spitting up on them and crawling back into bed with that very same shirt on because your dead tired? Why don’t woman cry together when they are at their wits end because there toddler used to be the best sleeper in the world and all of a sudden chooses to become a crappy one once her little brother is born? Why don’t woman laugh about the times when their toddler sees them naked for the first time and there eyes bulge out of there head at what they are looking at? I wish they would, I wish woman would talk more about these difficult times so we can all feel just a little normal at the end of a hard day. I know as a mother it helps me to know that I’m not the only one who spends numerous minutes on the porch regrouping and taking deep breaths because I don’t want my children to see me loose a gasket. They’ve seen one too many gaskets lost lets put it that way. I guess in reality it just takes different kinds of Mothers to make the world go round too.
It doesn’t make you right and me wrong but all I do know is that I don’t want my “lost gaskets” to shape who my children become. As my husband and I have already figured out, “I’m a yeller.” I raise my voice a lot. I’m stern. I’m strict. However I’ll be the first mom to climb into bed with her toddler with a face streaked with tears and a stuffy nose from crying just to say “I’m sorry, Mommy shouldn’t have yelled.” Do you forgive me? I’m the first to admit that with every breath I breath and every word out of my mouth I have doubts of how I’m doing because I just want my kids to be good kids and I’m deathly afraid of messing that up! I wake every day with a positive outlook on life. Saying it’s going to be a great day, my kids are going to be good, which will make me happy, I’m going to do laundry, vacuum, and get dinner on the table. Then shit hits the fan. My baby has terrible gas pains and screams after his first three bottles of the day. My toddler, who used to have mommy’s undivided attention now sits in his little brothers swing the second I turn my back and breaks it. Shit!!! Well there goes that good day! I have a temper and when it comes to bending down and explaining to my child why sitting in her baby brother’s swing is wrong, well it’s just not me I guess because instead I screamed and said “You broke it!” Not the best choice of words because I knew it hurt her feelings but I was about to loose it. Anyone who is thinking “What’s the big deal, let her sit in her little brother’s swing.” Well good for you for being able to be OK with those things, I, just can’t be because the last thing I want her to do is climb into one when we are at a friends house, because honestly, that’s really the only bad thing that could come of me letting her sit there if she wanted right? Wrong…….what if I go into the other room, or god forbid go to the bathroom and I come around the corner and she decides to sit in the swing WITH her little brother and she is now nicely sitting on top of him!!!?? Eh maybe I worry too much, but hey I’m a “type A” Mom as I’ve so often explained my behavior as.
So as I sit here typing, I try to regroup and restart my day. My daughter sleeps peacefully in her bed, after a tantrum of getting in that very bed because it was only 10 AM, however she’s been overtired for about a week now. My son is tightly yet adorably swaddled in that very swing that the whole “lost gasket” came about, not broken by the way because it never was. We finally did make it to the park that day…….even though it took until 2pm, we made it……and it was worth it. I think to myself, “OK I got this.”