Dear Madison,
The last few weeks have been quite emotional for Momma. I’m going to tell you How Two Weeks Changed Our Lives. I know you’ve been having a hard time with your anxieties these past few months. After we registered you for Soccer we noticed that your fear of groups and just being shy in general were more than Daddy and I could handle. So we went and saw your therapist again. We made you finish those soccer games because we want to teach you the importance of making a commitment. When you sign up to be part of a team you have to be there each and every week. Your therapist told us to follow through. We needed to show up each week and prove to you that we must look this anxiety square in the eye and fight it. You cried each week but each week we went. It was the best decision we ever made no matter how hard it was for us to watch you. There were some weeks that I made Daddy go because I just couldn’t do it. I realized some changes needed to happen. You needed me. I felt in my gut you were secretly trying to tell me you just “needed me.” So I decided to give up the part-time bookkeeping job I had working from home. It made the most sense because I want to get involved volunteering and being in the school system for you and your brother. It’s all I ever wanted. It was only 10-15 hours a week but that was 10-15 hours I could be with you working on our relationship because with many arguments and a lot of slammed doors later (yes by me too) I knew if I didn’t do something, fast forward ten years and we would be destroyed. So this is how two weeks changed our lives.
So two weeks before you were to start Kindergarten I gave your daycare Pre-K notice that you were leaving early. That meant you and Momma got five whole days alone together. Drew continued to go to daycare his two days a week and you and I got 8 amazing hours on those days of just Momma and Maddie time. Oh sweet girl I can’t even tell you how much it’s changed things for us. We got one on one time, we talked more than we ever have, we snuggled, we went to the movies, school shopping, a few craft days at the camp, a few trips to the beach, we just truly had fun. I know it can be difficult sometimes sharing Momma with your little brother but those two weeks alone with you truly taught me that we need to have that time more often. We need it. You need it. I need it.
Something amazing happened one day while we were at the beach for the day. You can read about it here but I’m not sure we would have had that moment if it weren’t just me and you there that day. Another eye opener that you and Drew deserve to have that one on one time with Momma and Daddy. I think those two weeks gave you what you were missing within our relationship but it also gave me what I was missing.
Two short weeks later I held your tiny little hand in mine and I walked you into your elementary school. Your heart was probably beating a mile a minute but what you didn’t know sweet girl, so was Momma’s. I was nervous for you, I was happy for you, and I was scared for you. All things that I know will never go away. You see, when you become a mother you agree to forever wear your heart on your sleeve. You sit there hoping, praying and pleading that no one hurts you.
Your starting your fourth week now and so far you are still loving it. I dreaded the day because of how much you’ve always hated going to the daycare school. We made rocks with “M’s” on it. You take one to school and I keep one at home. When we miss each other we rub it. You get off of the school bus and you always tell me all about your day. You tell me what you did, who you played with, what the teachers say, meeting you at 3:30 is by far my favorite time of day. Today is Monday and I know they are tougher than most days for you because after being home all weekend we must get on that bus again, but then you said this to me as we were walking out the door. “Momma I love my new school because Mrs. Gendron helps me, at my old school the teachers wanted us to do all the work on our own.” I’m trying to teach you that you have to learn to count on others. You have to trust the bus driver that you’ll get home safely, you have to trust your teacher that she will help you learn, you have to trust the nurse will give you medicine to feel better and call Momma if you need to come home. As much as I always want you to need me my love, I also need you to let go and just trust others. A few more things I need you to know:
Pay it back – Learn to love that buddy bench. I wish they had this around when I was a kid, though I don’t remember not being able to make friends or particularly feeling nervous as a child your age, always know that if someone is sitting on the bench it is because he or she too may feel a little bit like you do.
Never give up – You’ve discovered so much about confidence and trying hard this past Summer. Keep at it because your hard work will pay off I promise.
Be Kind – Always remember you would never want your feelings to be hurt by someone else’s actions or words so be kind and think about your words and actions ahead of time.
Make good Choices – Your a big girl now and making good choices is sometimes going to be really hard. I have complete confidence in you and I’ll always be here if you have any questions.
Failing is part of the game – You will fail, and it’s OK. Failing is what teaches us, failing is normal and we must embrace it and move on.
