14 Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post

I had to do it. I had to compile these Facebook Statuses I was too embarrassed to post recently. I  was telling my husband about it one night and he laughed. We laughed and we started making up some as we chatted. So that prompted me to write some down throughout the last few weeks. I had fun jotting them down throughout parts of my day as I rolled my eyes, giggled or even had smoke coming out of my ears at times, what don’t you have steam that arises and comes out of your ears when your home all day with your children? I figured one, people didn’t care that I don’t get piece and quiet when I use the bathroom so they just became thoughts in my head that turned into this. I thought maybe a few of you could relate! Here are 14 Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post but decided to this way instead.

1.) See you in 18 years babe…..hope your still in love with me then!

I seriously had no clue how much raising a family could challenge a marriage. They should have warning signs somewhere. Warning: Have Children = Forever Change Your Relationship. Have Children = Forever Change Yourself.  Have Children = See you in 18 years! There are just many times I look at my husband amongst all of the snuggles, sticky floors and glasses of wine and just say “God I miss you.”

2.) Yeah I just told my kids to never have kids because it wasn’t worth it……

In my defense it was just one of those days. Luckily neither of them quite understood what I was saying but yeah I didn’t win Mom of the year that day sadly.

 

3.) I love 4PM for so many reasons. 1. It means Daddy is almost home and I can now start to secretly (or not) start watching as the cars pass by. 2. It’s now a reasonable time to pour wine (if I’ve fought of the urge since noon) 3. Ellen! God I love her.

Daddy arriving home is a relief. I have help, I have someone to roll my eyes with and I’m no longer the person my kids “need!” I start prepping dinner, doesn’t sipping on a glass of wine just goes with cooking dinner?  Sometimes when I’m making a dish for a new recipe during the day I reach for that glass because it just goes together like peanut butter and jelly. Ellen, well I can’t say enough about her. She just makes me laugh and let’s admit it, come 4pm we can all use a good laugh! Or a good cry because she makes so many people cry in a happy way.

Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post

4.) I woke up 8 times last night. Not from a crying infant, not from a sick child. It was the cats x 6, then the news from hubby not setting the sleep timer when he came to bed, we can’t forget “the wheels on the bus go round and round” that randomly went off in the play room (when all 3 cats were in bed with us???) then it was the coffee maker letting us know the coffee was ready, then hubby’s alarm, then of course my son “I want to get outta here!”

I may get some good consecutive sleep, but man, I feel like I’ll never sleep through a night again. Imagine standing in line for a scratch ticket and the person who bought one in front of you suddenly hits the jackpot, like a millionaire kind of jackpot! How angry would you be? That’s how angry I am when I get interrupted sleep lol. I was ready to take on motherhood and the lack of sleep six years ago when I had my daughter, but I had no idea that I would seriously get so ticked off when I get woken up. Lets face it, besides the occasional sickness and car alarm I never got woken up before I had children. I was that Momma with a newborn that would only sleep 4 hours a night because I’d rather stay awake than have interrupted sleep, I can actually function better on less sleep than interrupted sleep. Even now with a six and three year old my husband gets up with the kids a lot of the time. It’s easier to calm the kids from a nightmare or give the occasional Tylenol than deal with me 😉

5.) The amount of food and crumbs that are under my children’s chair where they eat angers and disturbs me to no end.

We all have pet peeves as Momma’s right? Why must kids eat their dinner/snack while hopping up and down, changing directions twenty one times and eating every where but over the table? I could very successfully eat a sandwich, a bag of pretzels and a juicy orange while walking around the house without one thing hitting the floor. (I know it’s talent don’t be jealous) Maybe I’m just jealous of the amount of energy these littles have. They can’t sit still when I’d give anything to sit and eat. I stand and eat breakfast and lunch 95% of the time. Over the counter. I may or may not be teaching my 3 and 6 year old how to sweep.

 Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post

 

6.) Will there ever be a time when I’ll get to sit on the toilet without being needed? Or at least not be asked “Momma what are you doing?!!” 

I get jealous, pure jealousy surges through my veins when my husband goes upstairs, closes the door and the proceeds to use the bathroom for 25 minutes. Alone. He has no idea that in those 25 minutes I am saving his ass. I have dodged 48 times “where is daddy?” and have successfully redirected my three year old 13 times from “I’m just going to go and see if daddy is ok.” I don’t need flowers, I don’t need a night out on the town. I’d just love “this” favor to be returned every now and again.

7.) “Want me to open that for you buddy?” (yogurt) “No thanks maybe later.” I then sit to eat my lunch finally. “Momma will you open this for me?” Are you kidding??!!!

I swear he does it on purpose people! I think both of my children have a conspiracy theory going on. Madison: “Drew let’s meet at 7am when Momma is groggy and still waking up and go over our plan on how every time Momma goes to sit, eat or do anything we intercept.” Drew: “heeeheee!”

8.) I don’t understand why they can’t just listen and do what you ask them. It’s not that difficult, if only they would, there would be so much less aggravation for me, oh that’s right they don’t care.

Yeah I’ve read all the articles. They are children. They get just as frustrated with us barking orders at them and bossing them around all day. Their minds don’t work and function like ours do. I get it, but still.

9.) Am I the only one who can’t stand their own child at times?

I’m not heartless, I love my children dearly, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way at times. My husband doesn’t help because his answer was god no! However, I have a few people in my life that have said “Hell Yes!!” You people, you know who you are, you get me.  Your my people.

10.) Am I the only one who has a 3.5 year old that hates/refuses to dress himself? 

Boys are lazy. They are Momma loving, dirty, globs of little people. Well mine is. I actually started teaching him to take his plate to the sink, put his dirty laundry away and to hang his coat up at least two years before I started teaching my oldest (see we learn a lot between one and two don’t we?!) I feel like I’ll be changing him and wiping his butt until he’s 29. I actually said to him this morning “Buddy I’m not wiping your butt come 29!” Like it’s his responsibility to potty train himself haha! I’m pure lazy when it comes to that so for now……I guess it is fault.

11.) (this would have been a status in the morning…clearly.)  I dream of having a third child at night. Only at night. When my kids are peacefully sleeping. Looking adorable. The sweetness and innocence overwhelms my heart. Then I wake up to start our day and the thought of a third child is immediately gone.

My husband says to me the other day “We should have had a third.” It’s a sensitive subject for me because I always wanted a large family but when we found out our second was a boy I thought it was God’s way of saying our family was complete. One boy, one girl = Blessed (aka. I’m insane enough you better leave well enough alone.) I always said I would NEVER miss the infancy stage. Ha! Boy do I miss those days, when they didn’t move or talk. I keep saying I WILL NEVER miss these days, the ages my kids are at right now, but the infancy stage already proved to me that I most likely will be in the teenage/puberty stage and I’ll be missing these days. PS. friends of older children please don’t tell me I’ll miss this stage right now. I may punch you.

 Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post

12.) We are officially on our 327, 288th cold/virus since having children. Sorry honey but you’ll be sick this weekend, I let Drew “sleep” (watch the Ipad while I slept.)  from 5-7 in your spot. Don’t worry I’ll let you sleep and rest and when I have it next week, I’ll trudge through it. 

Is it me or am I getting to be a wuss these days? I used to make fun of my husband for getting the “man cold” back in the day. Now he’s the one that has a sickness for 24 hours before even mentioning it to me. I think it’s because as a parent when you get sick there is no resting. I used to recoop from the average head cold in 6 days flat. These days it takes a good two weeks. So when the kids get sick……man I start swearing, cleaning, disinfecting and oh wait, no I don’t because that never works so why waste my precious time. Do you remember getting this many sicknesses as a child? I feel like I used to get one or two colds a year and a stomach virus like every 10 years. Now a days we average one cold per month and last year I got the damn stomach virus three times! Yes three. Luckily they were all during the evening hours so I could get up at 7am and continue being Momma.

13.) I thought Drew and I had a deal. He goes to Preschool twice a week. We had an agreement that he would poop on those days. A lot. Nope third week in a row now that he’s come home both days without pooping even once. Ah….another conspiracy theory. 

I mean seriously! The day after a preschool day the boy poops 4-5 times a day. Ugh….I know I seriously need to potty train that kid once and for all. He’s not going to do it himself like my daughter did. She just went when she was ready. He will never be ready unless I make him right?

14.) I heart Monday’s.

I know all of you despise them. It’s time to start a new week, five more days of work before a long awaited weekend. I love Monday’s because it’s back to school and though I am a SAHM I’m not home eating bon bons and watching General Hospital. (OK maybe General Hospital) It’s a day where I get to run errands, go to appointments, grocery shop, cook and clean ALONE. ALL alone. No asking a million and one questions, no peeling a child off of me, NO GETTING INTERRUPTED! I love my children, they are my world, however I am that momma dancing and singing at 8:24 am on the way to grocery shop. Don’t worry Momma’s who have screaming crying children at the grocery store, I feel your pain and I’m giving you the sympathetic I get it look.

Come on….can anyone relate? I know I’m not the only one who’s heart is full and complete at night when I watch my children sleep. It’s the time of day that I try and let go of the mistakes I’ve made throughout the day and remind myself that my kids are fed, happy and cared for. That one day is not going to f*ck them up and I silently forgive myself and give myself an atta boy for making it through another day. Then I sip my wine.

Facebook Statuses I Was Too Embarrassed To Post

 

 

 

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